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“Do not judge. You don’t know what storm I have asked her to walk through. – Love, God.”

Somewhere along the way, I had lost myself. I used to wake up excited to take on the day, and I’d stay up most the night because life felt too good to spend it sleeping.

And then it stopped. I don’t remember when it happened or how exactly. It wasn’t an all of a sudden thing. It happened slowly over time.

What I do know, is that everybody else’s needs started becoming more important than my own. If you were happy only then, I would be happy. If you weren’t happy then it was my fault. This internal battle of people-pleasing led to my demise.

I made that choice and I take responsibility for it. Nobody made me change. I may have been criticized for being myself, but I am the one who CHOSE to take the criticism and allow it to affect and change me. That’s when the happiness stopped.

When we aren’t living and being our true selves, there’s a sense of grief in it. I felt dead inside. I got to this state of absolute nothingness.

Suicide is a difficult concept for those who have never felt that sort of pain. It no longer becomes about feeling sad or hurt; it is this overwhelming feeling of nothingness. Being in so much pain that you just want it to stop.

You NEED it to stop, and you see no other way out.

I remember being curled up on my living room floor feeling worthless and just wanting the inner pain to just end. I know now that it was because I lost myself. I’d stopped loving me and I was putting everyone else and their “idea” of how I “should be or act” first.

I had to learn to train myself to see the good in every situation. So when my life fell apart and I had the opportunity to create a new one I jumped at it, and I dreamed big. I spent so many years of my life playing it safe, where  I was practical and I would only say yes to sure things. I woke up one day and I made the decision that I never wanted to feel this way ever again.

So I changed.

I found myself when I started learning to say yes to the things that scared me.

When I was a teenager, I would go on road trips by myself several hours away from home. I remembered the feelings and how those were some of the times I felt most alive. My soul would be set on fire when I would travel; my car was my sanctuary. So when I lost myself this time and the opportunity to travel was presented, I took it.

It all started when I started learning to say yes. My journey began when I went to visit my sister and her family 15 hours away from home. I was just out of a relationship and I remember driving through the mountains and finally feeling like I was internally home. My soul was ignited and I would tell myself that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was finally learning to trust something outside of myself and I was doing the next right thing for me.

I knew at that moment, my higher energy wanted me there. Nothing that felt that good was put there by mistake. 

There were areas where forest fires had taken out entire landscapes. What beauty.

Forests burn and fires are unable to be contained, all because the trees are often dead and no longer full of life. When you try to break a tree that is full of life, it will bend but it sure takes a lot to break it.

When I say yes to those uncomfortable situations in life, it is through living that I won’t break. The ones that hurt the most are when I experience the most growth.

When you start to love yourself for exactly who you are, the fear of rejection leaves you. We all have moments of not feeling attractive enough; not feeling beautiful or handsome externally or internally. It is in these moments I choose to see the good.

I have developed a must for myself and that is, I MUST LOVE ME FIRST.

This is not a state of being selfish. We cannot give to others if we have nothing to give. If my cup is not full I may be able to share what I have, but it won’t be long before I have nothing left to give. With nothing left, I return to that state of feeling worthless and empty. I can only give from an overflowing cup.

Do you know those people that you look at and their love and brightness just flows and pours right out of them? Those are the people who are sharing with their overflow. They continue to replenish themselves first and then share.

I can still find myself today catering to other people’s needs. If I feel worthless now, I stop myself and my thinking in its tracks. I made a promise that I would NEVER EVER allow myself to feel that way ever again. I will never be that sad broken girl wishing it would all just end.

Today I am excited about what the future has in store for me. I continue to say yes. I encourage you to do the same. Say yes to the things that truly make you feel happy.

Say yes to the things that set your soul on fire. I no longer need to know or control my future. I don’t need to plan out every aspect of my life.

When an opportunity arises I say YES.

I have been through a lot of pain in my life, but I would not change a thing. I would not do a single thing differently.

“I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The people in my life today are exactly where they are supposed to be, and the people who are no longer in my life are exactly where they should be.” – Unknown

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